Category: Uncategorized

Big developments in the ongoing grandparent saga this week!

It all started when I opened a bill from the home health care agency. They had been charging my grandparents as though they were only caring for Stan, my grandfather, until recently. Then they informed me that they were doing a lot more caring for my grandmother lately and needed to charge them for care as a couple. I misunderstood how much additional cost that would be, so I went along with it. When I opened the bill after a month, I realized how much it was really costing and freaked out.

So I put told my grandfather we either had to change agencies or he had to move. He said, as usual, we should move. He’s been ready for a long time. But he asked to see the numbers. So I put together a basic cashflow spreadsheet of his income verses expenses, and then his proposed expenses if he moved to an apartment in Independent Living at The Solana, a luxury senior living community just down the street from me.

I brought the sheet over and we sat down with my grandmother and he tried to explain to her why they had to move. For two hours I sat by his side, mostly quietly, as he told her firmly that it had to happen. She didn’t understand, can’t really with her dementia, and kept asking the same questions over and over, and making the same statements insisting they weren’t moving. In the end I had to go, and he promised me he would call me tomorrow and go sign the papers on an apartment.

So I waited patiently on Friday for him to call. We played phone tag and I finally reminded him of his promise. I also told him that they only had two apartments available and they might sell out if he waited. I heard him tell the caregiver to drive him to the Solana, and then he hung up on me. A very very long time later they showed up. My grandmother had thrown a tantrum at the idea, and did so again when they arrived. But he was resolute and I took him inside and she followed. They saw the apartment, which was perfect, in my opinion. She started badmouthing it and asking to leave, he signed the contract and a check for the deposit, and she threw another tantrum, grabbed the contract and tore it up. Yelling and me all the while.

My grandfather thought he was supposed to spend that night there, but he of course had no clothes or anything. When I told him he would be going home for the night, he perked up and said ok let’s go. I followed them out the door, but asked him if he really wanted the apartment and should I sign the documents. He said yes.

They left and I fell apart in the lobby. I questioned whether it was the right thing to do, whether I was forcing something on them. She had absolutely manipulated me, the same way she had been manipulating him for years. I held off on leaving the check, but told the sales girl I’d talk to him and come back with the documents the next day.

My sister and I both confirmed via telephone that my grandfather believed he had secured the apartment and was ready to stay there, regardless of her aggressive refusal. So I did sign everything I had and dropped off the check today. He still hasn’t started packing, despite my encouragement, but he is asking to start eating there as soon as tomorrow. Who knows what will happen next, but they have a place.

I have been super anxious about the logistics of getting them and their clothes and eventually furniture moved in. I have had trouble letting go of details and outcomes and trusting God. But tonight I finally feel some peace. I think this is really going to happen. I have been begging the Lord for this for years, and now my prayer has turned to peace for my grandmother. Dementia is awful, and she is scared to death. I hope we can get through this tough stuff quickly, and that she can get settled in and enjoy herself there very soon.