Review: We Bought a Zoo (Warning to Parents)

For the past few weeks my family has been watching lots of fun family holiday programming on TV. We have seen the TV commercial for the new Matt Damon movie, We Bought a Zoo, at least a dozen times. So when I was offered the chance to preview the film with my kids this week I was thrilled and treated it like another lovely holiday treat for our family. From the trailer I was REALLY looking forward to seeing it. It looked like a fun kid movie with tons of adorable animals creating the main comedic plot. Plus…bonus! Matt Damon! Cameron Crowe directs! It HAS to be good.

I really should’ve been smart enough to know Cameron Crowe would not make a kid movie. He has made some of my very favorite movies, like Almost Famous, Singles, and Say Anything. He has never made a kid movie. Never.

Nonetheless I took my four year old and my seven year old. They sat through Chipwrecked with rapt attention, not squirming or uttering a peep other than appropriate laughter so I figured they would be golden with this movie. But We Bought A Zoo starts out with background about Matt Damon’s career as a newspaper writer, which is barely relevant. I wondered how soon they would get to the animals, as I eyed my four year old.

We soon find out that six months before the film begins, Matt Damon’s wife died and he is left alone to raise his adorable 7 year old girl and a 14 year old boy. The boy is in bigtime trouble at school, and the dad is having local moms throwing themselves at him. In the first five minutes of the film. It made me a little uncomfortable right from there, since my seven year old might understand ENOUGH of what was going on for it to be super confusing.

Then they show all this super graphic and dark art that the boy has been drawing that reveals his tortured soul. I get that it’s necessary for the plot, but that plot is soooooo not for little kids. I really didn’t like my older son seeing those drawings. It could give him nightmares.

Then there’s Matt Damon’s brother, played by the ever charming and funny Thomas Haden Church, who clearly only cares about getting his brother laid again. His obviously beloved wife died a mere SIX MONTHS AGO. C’mon.

And again? NOT A KID SUBJECT.

So about thirty minutes into the film we finally get a glimpse of some animals. And when I say glimpse, I mean it.

About thirty minutes in is also when the completely  inappropriate for small kids language starts. I’m not talking about crap or damn either. I could live with that. When the brother yelled “Sh*t!” I almost jumped out of my chair and wanted to throw my hands over my seven year old’s ears…although of course it’d be too late by then. I think it was the precious little girl who said “What the hell?” and it was most definitely Matt Damon who yelled “ASSHOLE!!!” at a porcupine.

I sat there wondering if somehow I had been mistaken and maybe the movie was rated PG-13. This subject matter and language went WAY beyond “parental guidance suggested” in my mind. I confirmed later that it is indeed rated PG. I also confirmed that I’m not the only one who thought it was marketed as a great movie for kids of all ages.

By this point my four year old had stopped watching the movie. He was squirming, begging for a snack or my phone to play with, and crawling in and out of my lap. He wasn’t misbehaving or distracting anyone but me….YET. But I was getting more worried about what my very serious seven year old was soaking in.

The scene that finally prompted me ushering us out was when the young teen boy was approached by a young teen girl who lived at the zoo. She was homeschooled and seemed a bit socially awkward or maybe just desperate for peer interaction, but she got so close to the boy that she was sitting completely pressed against him, her face inches from him, and I was really concerned they might kiss. I have much less of a problem with adults kissing in movies than young teens that JUST MET kissing.

They didn’t kiss, but the sexual tension was there, it was thick, and it was enough that since I couldn’t be sure of the PG rating I got worried my kids might see even an implied sex scene (more likely between the adults) so I bailed.

My awesome kids were so great about being forced to leave before the end of the movie, something I HATE doing myself. I love movies and insist on seeing the end of even the worst of them.

I had a discussion with Nathan about how there were too many bad words and I asked him if he heard any. He hadn’t noticed any. I asked if he knew any bad words. He thought and said “poop?”. I explained that wasn’t so much a bad word as much as something we discourage joking around about. Then he whispered in my ear so Alex couldn’t hear, “Oh my God?” which I confirmed. I explained that lots of people may say that but we don’t, because one of the ten commandments in the Bible is to treat the Lord’s name as sacred and special, not as a thoughtless phrase or curse word. Don’t get me wrong, my language when not around my kids is far from saintly, but  even then I try to be mindful and choose words carefully.

So all in all, that turned out to be a big learning experience for me and teaching moment for Nate. But I’m super frustrated by how the film is being marketed as a kid movie. It’s just NOT. I’m not that uptight as a parent either, I swear. But I personally wouldn’t even take a 10 year old to see it. I think it’s probably AWESOME for teens or adults to see on their own. Would make a great girls night. I can’t wait to see the ending myself.

You should probably read my dear friend Stacey’s review to get the upside for teens and adults. There seems to be a BIG upside, but it was lost on me in this case.

Oh but the cinematography? Was absolutely lovely.