Let me start by saying that I know not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say in this post. I know that, and that’s ok with me.
There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey that I have seen floating around on Pinterest many times. I see it pinned and repinned among lots of other inspirational sayings, but it rubs me entirely the wrong way. “Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.” The idea is nice, in theory. I can see why people would like it.
Last weekend at the Type A Parent conference I heard a motivational talk from the beautiful René Syler in which she made a similar key point. Her speech was called “Harnessing Your Superpower” and midway through she stopped and drew particular attention to one point, even saying that if we got nothing else out of her talk we should remember this one thing.
René said there is no room in your life for someone who makes you feel bad. She referenced Charlotte as the home of NASCAR and talked about “drag” and how some people in our lives really create drag on us. The way I remember it, she encouraged us to shed the people in our lives that slow us down. She noted that it may be painful to say goodbye to these relationships, but that we should ditch them.
 |
| The fabulous René Syler of Good Enough Mother |
Most people would agree and affirm these ideas, sometimes even adding a “Heck yeah!”
I totally believed this myself for years. My life was about harnessing my own superpower for quite a long time. I worked my tail off, found my talents and assets and exploited them for my own benefit, charmed and befriended loads of people who might somehow help my career. I forged my own unique path to the top and was quite comfortable with my life.
Somewhere over the past couple years a lightbulb went off for me as I studied the words of Jesus. I realized that I had it completely backwards. Life wasn’t supposed to be about elevating myself, my standard of living, achieving and believing that I could do anything I wanted. Contrary to the popular messages of guys like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer, God’s mission is not to bless me with success and wealth and fame.
Life is about descending. Serving other people. Not taking credit. (That’s an especially hard one for me.) Pointing to the One who made me and saved me and made everything I’ve ever accomplished possible. Loving the people He loves. Loving the least of these.
Toxic people in our lives who drag us down and make us feel bad are that way for a reason. Deep down they are damaged and hurting. They are deeply in need. They need love, grace, mercy and healing. They are the least, the people Jesus has called me to love.
I believe that as hard as it is, God has called me to not reject and ignore these people but to reach out to them with compassion.
Hear this: sometimes boundaries are necessary and important. I feel like I can say these things because I am strong and mentally and emotionally healthy enough to know how to balance their negative influence with my positive influence. I’m not taking about just haters or jerks you don’t really know either. I’m not the jerk whisperer.
But if there is someone I have an actual relationship with that is difficult to deal with, I don’t believe God wants me to cut that person out of my life entirely. I believe Jesus calls me to show grace to that person whenever I possibly can. To pray for them and be a friend to them so that maybe they would see a better way.
Surrounding myself ONLY with positive people who add to my life flies directly in the face of Christ’s command to care for the ugly, the oppressed, the disenfranchised, the hurting and the needy. Even the mean.
We need positive people, YES we do. But if I am filled with the strength of Jesus, I can use that to show mercy and kindness to bitter, nasty, ignorant people who really are just broken and in pain.
Sometimes. Of course sometimes I screw that up completely too!
So I really want to know, what do YOU think?
P.S. – René said lots of other things in her talk that were awesome and I totally agree with.
P.P.S. – Among other influences that led to this 180 shift in life philosophy for me, I HIGHLY recommend Jen Hatmaker’s book Interrupted: An Adventure in Relearning the Essentials of Faith
I think it really takes a balance. You can’t save everyone. If you have someone negative in your life you think you can help, then by all means, go for it. But if someone is truly toxic, sapping your strength and your attention from the people and things that really matter despite your efforts, it may be time to cut that cord. You can still pray for them even if you’ve made the decision not to have them around you anymore.
I think it really takes a balance. You can’t save everyone. If you have someone negative in your life you think you can help, then by all means, go for it. But if someone is truly toxic, sapping your strength and your attention from the people and things that really matter despite your efforts, it may be time to cut that cord. You can still pray for them even if you’ve made the decision not to have them around you anymore.
I think it really takes a balance. You can’t save everyone. If you have someone negative in your life you think you can help, then by all means, go for it. But if someone is truly toxic, sapping your strength and your attention from the people and things that really matter despite your efforts, it may be time to cut that cord. You can still pray for them even if you’ve made the decision not to have them around you anymore.
Hurting people is one thing, but I agree with what Christina said, you have to make a choice re: truly toxic people. There’s not one single thing wrong with praying for them but preserving self too.
Thanks and wishing you the best
Hurting people is one thing, but I agree with what Christina said, you have to make a choice re: truly toxic people. There’s not one single thing wrong with praying for them but preserving self too.
Thanks and wishing you the best
Hurting people is one thing, but I agree with what Christina said, you have to make a choice re: truly toxic people. There’s not one single thing wrong with praying for them but preserving self too.
Thanks and wishing you the best
Christina, thanks for your comment! Yeah I’m gonna disagree, but that’s ok.
Christina, thanks for your comment! Yeah I’m gonna disagree, but that’s ok.
Christina, thanks for your comment! Yeah I’m gonna disagree, but that’s ok.
Thanks for the comment René! I think the hardest thing is being able to see that toxic people ARE hurting people. Self preserving may involve boundaries, setting some space, but I think it would be wrong for me to reject someone entirely.
Thanks for the comment René! I think the hardest thing is being able to see that toxic people ARE hurting people. Self preserving may involve boundaries, setting some space, but I think it would be wrong for me to reject someone entirely.
oops, reply fail!
oops, reply fail!
Well said Sarah! This is a hard one for me to, but I feel the Lord sometimes uses these toxic people in my life to test and strengthen my faith. I did not get this either until my relationship with the Lord strengthened. These people do need our help and prayers. That is why he calls us to disciple others! Great post!
Well said Sarah! This is a hard one for me to, but I feel the Lord sometimes uses these toxic people in my life to test and strengthen my faith. I did not get this either until my relationship with the Lord strengthened. These people do need our help and prayers. That is why he calls us to disciple others! Great post!
Yes exactly! God doesn’t call us to show mercy to the least of these because it’s up to us to “save” them. He does it to GROW us and our faith. Our dependence on Him because it’s only with His strength we can do it anyway.
The problem I see with this philosophy of only surrounding yourself with people who lift you up is it provides an easy out of difficult situations. If my spouse doesn’t make me feel good about myself, I’ll just leave them and get a new one. If listening to my friend constantly complain about her problems brings me down, I’ll stop calling her.
Sarah has it right. If someone is a drag on your life it’s due to one of two reasons. Either you have issues in your life that have come between the two of you, or that person is hurting and needs help in their life. Walking away from them will not solve either of those issues. You can’t just hope to get lucky in finding good relationships. They must be forged.
To have meaningful relationships that bring us joy and fulfillment, we must be willing to demonstrate grace. Don’t judge people on their mistakes and their faults. Seek to understand them, and then seek to help them. If you are not willing to make that commitment, you will never find happiness in other people.
I get that.. Again best to you. I think you’re awesome, even tho we ave our differences on this one.
#bigtentthinker
No, sorry (and dangit I have to go now). I think we’re talking about a couple of different concepts here. I’m not saying live in a bubble. Please understand that. I live in NY. I work in TV. Trust me I have PLENTY of people hating on me. I just choose to guard my space. That doesn’t mean I don’t have love and compassion. Or that I don’t pray for them. What it does mean is that I have a fixed amount of energy and I have to decide who I am going to spend it on.
For some reason that seems to have gotten lost in what I was saying. I will more than likely, if I have time, do my own post on this and explain further and I hope you all come over and read it.
And (okay seriously I have to go) I’m bot not talking about people you have relationships with, per se Mike, as much as those who hate from afar. Oh yeah, I have those too.
Ciao y’all
Yeah I’d love to read more thoughts on this. I think we may be talking about a few different concepts or types of relationships, but that wasn’t really clear in your talk. At least not to me. Talking about people taking mean and racist pot shots from the other side of the internet is one thing. Those people really don’t deserve to have us waste our energy obsessing about what they’ve said or arguing with them. There’s no relationship there, although there *may* still be an opportunity to show grace. But someone you may encounter in real life is a different story, I think. It was your bullet point “Shed It” that gave me a sort of visual image of someone driving forward in life at all costs and brushing off anyone along the way that doesn’t add to your life or that causes conflict or negativity. I used to want to do this, but not any longer. I will sacrifice some of my time, some of my energy, some of my good feelings to invest a bit in someone who tries to criticize or wound me because their issues aren’t about me at all, and I know that. They are somehow hurt, not just evil. Anyway, I think this is a good discussion worth having 🙂
I admire you for broaching this topic as I think it is quite clear already that it will be a mixed bag of responses, but you have certainly opened the door for the conversation. I think I heard Rene’s message differently at Type-A than you did, and I think I read Oprah’s quote differently as well. I don’t believe that it means there will never be people in your life who are difficult or challenging or who make you rant and rave to your hubby, your BFF, you sister or all three after spending time in their presence, but I think to allow those people to play a central role in your life, to allow them into your inner circle is a choice that you make that is potentially damaging to you. I choose, for myself, and perhaps it is because I am the product of an extremely dysfunctional mother to leave the salvation of people like that up to God.
I really believe that life is way too short and will provide more than enough opportunities on its very own for suckage that to invite it in to my home, my family, my life willingly, knowingly is only harming myself.
“AMEN, SISTAH! TESTIFY!” (and put that in 72-point blinky type!)
I understand (I think) what those who tell us to eliminate the toxic people from our lives are trying to tell us: yes, there are those who will work to drag us down to their level, and under the right circumstances (esp. if they are driving us to self-destructive activities, or pushing us down the path to something like suicide) then yes it makes sense to cut them loose. OTOH, as you noted, there may well be a reason we are involved with these people, and terminating that relationship may be the exact opposite of God’s will.Here’s an example: parents (or children) with severe special needs. They can be cranky, they can be cantankerous, they can say (and do) some of the most awful things around. But, does that mean we chuck them out of our life like a can of SPAM that has passed its “best if used by” date? I would say, not only no but… Because, in a way I AM that parent, that husband. I am going through my own challenges right now, challenges that are forcing me to admit that I can no longer do some very basic things by (and for) myself. And heck yes I get cranky about it! However, I am also very thankful that my wife and son haven’t decided to chuck me into some sort of nursing home and get on with their lives. So, maybe it behooves me to keep this in mind, when someone I am acquainted with is less than ideal.Oh, and a minor nit to pick: I feel that God DOES want us to have a life of plenty – however, there may be some differences of opinion as to what exactly He means by “plenty”.~EdT.
Thanks Ed 🙂 Yeah it helps me to understand that *I* have been that rude, cranky person sometimes, especially when I am feeling pain or discomfort. God comes to me and loves me and shows me mercy despite my being a bitter PITA. He then makes me a new person and asks me to turn around and do the same for someone else.
One person that springs to mind is my grandmother. She has become increasingly difficult, stubborn and distrustful of nearly everyone. She has often acted extremely ungrateful when my mom and I have offered her help that she very much needed. But I know that it’s because she’s hugely uncomfortable with her own limitations and seeing her husband in a weakened position causes her pain. It just comes out wrong. So I could just give up and say “Fine, if you don’t want my help, fend for yourself.” but that would of course be hugely uncompassionate.
Thanks Ashley. I hear you. And I do believe that any change in toxic people comes from God, not me. I just believe in being faithful to what I think Jesus tells us to do all over the place, but especially in Matthew 25. And that is loving the unlovable.
Yes, I was thinking about specific parental examples, as well. During my mother’s last year or so (when she was battling the cancer that ended up killing her), I saw (and heard) a side of her I had never experienced (nor did I ever imagine I would!) – and I had to remind myself of what she was battling, and what a drain on anyone’s store of good cheer that would be! Also, I have learned (from personal experience now) that, as you lose control over some of the things you could normally do for yourself, you tend to want to exert control over others – as if somehow this will compensate for the fact you can no longer control your own destiny (or how your shoes are tied.) And, yes, discovering that the parents/grandparents/relatives you loved and admired are deeply flawed (and in some cases which seem downright hypocritical) can be very disturbing, and you can easily question whether it is wise to continue the relationship. I have also seen this type of change in other relatives, and yes I understand your dilemma all too well. I wish there was an easy answer, but alas I have come to the realization that such a thing is not part of this reality.
~EdT.
I think I took something different away from what she said, as well, Sarah. I get what you’re saying – and I don’t look at it as drop any negative people, don’t help (not saying that’s 100% where you’re coming from) but in our lives sometimes we’re going to have to face those people who constantly shoot us down. The people who hold onto negativity and need nothing more than to put someone down to feel as though they are okay or succeeding, and in doing so, sometimes it’s a rough one. I’ve gone through this several times in my life. My best friends have given me he!! for things and enlightened me that if they could not stand by me in times when I actually needed them the most – well – it was no longer my responsibility to work at lifting them in any way. I’ve been in that relationship and sometimes you hit that point of explaining and re-explaining yourself into the ground, only to find yourself being hurt continuously in the process. Sometimes those ties need to be cut, shed, released. I wish them well but I need to protect me at this point. Anyway, I respect what you’ve said and your religious beliefs and how they impact your reaction to the words, etc. I just differ on various counts w/respect to this discussion. And I do have to add I think it’s totally cool that Rene’ actually came by to talk about this here. That’s excellent to have such an open communication about it! 🙂
Excellent post.
The fact is, being a Christian is not like being a non-Christian at all. Our goals and aspirations are different, as are our rewards.
When Renee said what she said I wasn’t sure how to take it. I erred on the positive side and chose to think she was talking specifically about those people who truly are just out to destroy you. While I believe we should still love and pray for those people, hanging around them is counter-productive and sometimes just foolish.
I don’t like Oprah’s take on it though, because that’s about self-betterment and we as Christians are not living to do that, we live to serve.